Brutalities

September 15, 2023
Pain was a portal for Steines, a way to lose herself in the searing agony of the moment. As a teenager, she started working as a dominatrix in New York and entered a yearslong relationship with a man who hit her in bed, at her request. In this wide-ranging memoir, Steines bemusedly recounts that despite her secure and supportive upbringing, she easily entered the world of sexual violence. This unsparing and open tour of her many compulsions and incarnations--sex worker, farmer, welder--contrasts sharply with the author's more recent experience of being pregnant during the pandemic lockdown. Sandwiched between Steines' careful approach to caring for her pregnancy in quarantine are explorations of how her partner, N, coaches mixed martial arts fighters, and how Steines' extreme approach to athleticism led to her splitting her heel bone nearly in half. Through her explorations, she gains new understanding about relating to others and to her own body, harboring no regrets for the violence in her past, as it leads her to understand the power of gentle love.

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Starred review from November 1, 2023
Steines tackles complex, nuanced truths about power and violence through clear writing and an unflinching gaze. What might drive someone to seek out violence, rather than avoid it? In her propulsive debut memoir, the author addresses this question in her examination of her personal connection to violence and pain. With striking vulnerability, she recounts her work as a teenage dominatrix at a time when she was dealing with an eating disorder, drug addiction, and a long-term relationship characterized by violence. Later, Steines trained as an ironworker, a career she pursued for years despite the danger and pain. She also chronicles her unhealthy relationship with exercise, including the time she ran more than 100 miles on a broken heel. "Violences are as different from each other as kisses are," she writes, and this vivid book is testament to that truth. The author's skillful prose expresses pain clearly and can be challenging to read, but this discomfort is tempered by her clearheaded insights and retroactive self-empathy. "I went to metal for the same reasons I went everywhere else: to try and rebuild myself as a creature impervious to damage," she writes, with palpable yearning. As much as the text is about pain, it's also about gentleness, as Steines depicts her more current self, caring for her pregnant body during the global pandemic, and she sweetly evokes the kindness of her partner and tenderness toward all versions of her past. Though the author is still drawn in by violence--her partner is an MMA coach, and Steines sometimes participates--she has developed a deeper love and respect for herself. The heart of this memoir is the author's journey to transform her relationship to violence--and through that, her own body. A passionate and lyrical memoir and meditation on what might drive someone to seek violence.

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