The Shy Single

June 14, 2004
Rather than try to"convert" the shy into voluble social minglers,"shyness workshop" leader Jacobson offers techniques for working with shyness rather than against it when on the prowl. One of the many strategies she outlines is taking care to put oneself in situations where one's light can shine out most clearly without triggering"shyness attacks." If introducing oneself to a stranger in a bar, for example, causes"overload" (monosyllabic conversation, rapid heartrate, panic), Jacobson shows how to talk oneself through those temporary symptoms. If that fails, she offers suggestions for more structured first encounters--without ruining friendships by constantly demanding to be fixed up. She gives a cute name ("payback") to the remorse one feels after making conversational blunders that then lead to self-reproach, and even self-punishment to the point of total shutting down--and she explains how to break the payback cycle. She offers fill-in-the-blank workbook techniques for combating a host of other dating obstacles and"coach's corner" tips throughout. One of the few dating books aimed at both men and women, this volume adopts a low stress, egalitarian, upbeat attitude. Imitating the"nonshys," getting"socially buff," and, yes, facing rejection (as well as acceptance) all come under careful, step-by-step scrutiny.

July 1, 2004
Jacobson (applied psychology, New York Univ.) strives to help readers understand shyness-that "paralyzing fear that melts your self-confidence"-and its impact on courtship. Encouragement about managing the difficulty at times sounds like an AA credo: "accept it, work with it, and live with it." Avoidance techniques are eschewed for those that diminish the fear's intensity (e.g., embracing and learning about shyness and recognizing triggers). The agreeably pedestrian writing chugs along, and practical, positive tips abound, e.g., "for a first date choose clothes that make you feel beautiful, handsome, sexy, and free." Meanwhile, Green, a social psychologist who co-moderates a popular Christian single adult message board, takes some of the anxiety out of the often difficult and time-consuming process of online dating. For example, prospective onliners should "back away" if unready for commitment. Though clearly Christian in tone, the book does not hit readers over the head with Scripture; instead, singles are advised to "remain in prayer" and are aided by warmly supportive comments ("you are more significant to God than anything else in His creation"). Articulate and respectful, Green updates readers' net-iquette, suggests where to seek dates, cautions against those oh-so-tempting sites, and guides readers toward the first "real" date. Both titles are recommended for public libraries.

Copyright 2004 Library Journal, LLC Used with permission.